Two
guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in
there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise
"Wow....That is REALLY deep...here...throw one of these great big rocks down
there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole
and wait... and wait. Nothing. They
look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and
says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railway sleeper. Help me
carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some
noise." The two drag the heavy sleeper over to the hole and heave it in.
Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat
appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past
them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just
seen...Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and dashes over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did!
Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into
this hole!" "Nah", says
the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat, My goat was chained to a
railway sleeper."
Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?
Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins.
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
How does an elephant get down from a tree?
It doesn't, you get down from a duck.
What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Optimistic!
How do you know theres an elephant in bed with you?
He’s got a big E on his pyjamas
What's grey on the inside and pink and white on the outside?
An inside out elephant.
Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
Why do elephants wear small
green hats?
So they can sneak across pool tables unnoticed.
And finally, have you ever
wondered what pink elephants see when they’re drunk?
Two mates were having a beer and talking
about Freudian slips. The first said “Well. I went the other day to buy a
ticket to Pittsburgh and I saw the ticket seller and she was beautiful with the
biggest, most magnificent pair of breasts I’d ever seen. I was overcome. I went
up to her to buy my ticket and instead of saying ‘Excuse me, can I have a
ticket to Pittsburgh?’ I said ‘Excuse me, can I have a picket to Tittsburgh?’ I
was so embarrassed I didn’t know what to do.” ”I know what you mean,” said the
other guy. “Yesterday I was having breakfast with my wife as usual. I meant to
say to her ‘Could you please pass the butter.’ But it came out as ”’ I hate you
woman, you’ve ruined my life!’”