Dear
son,
I'm writing this letter slow because I know
you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad
read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your
home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they
wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a
washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load
in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad
here. It only rained twice last week, the first time for three days and the
second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your
Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons
on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a
baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if
you’re an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.... Uncle Ted
fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some
men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had
him cremated and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a
bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and
swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom.
P.S.
I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please
come over and help me.
I bought this brilliant jigsaw puzzle, but I can't figure out how to start
it" Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde says,
"From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The blonde's friend
figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place to help
her out. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle
spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the
box. He then turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not
going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of
that tiger. Second, I think you should relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all
these Frosties back in the box."