A professor of
human nature was giving a lecture on sexual stimuli. “ How many students have
sex once a week?” He asked. Twelve hands go up. “ How many once a month” eight
hands go up. “ And how many once a year?” an excited man at the back throws his
hand up yelling “ME, ME” and giggling. “Sir” said the professor, “I fail to see
what you can be so happy about if you only have sex once a year” “Yes, but tonight’s the night” giggled the
man.
I went to the seaside the other day and
while I was there I saw a man fighting with his wife, he was also hitting the
baby she was holding, then he picked up a stick and started hitting them with
that. Well someone must have called the police but when he arrived the man
attacked him with the stick too, it was a dreadful sight to see and it was only
when the crocodile ate the sausages I realised I was watching a punch and Judy
show.
A gay man walks into a bar and in an
extremely camp voice says, “Can I have a gin and tonic please, sweetie.” The
barman, who hates gays replies “you’re not getting a drink in here, now get out
you puff” the gay man, a little upset by his remarks says “Look my man, I
demand to be served. A gin and tonic please, or I’ll set my doggy on you” the
barman still refuses and once again tells him to get out so the gay man says
“o.k. Towser, get him”. At this command a full grown great Dane leaps over the
bar, knocking the barman backwards and with glasses and bottles breaking all
around, the dog puts it’s front paws on the barman’s shoulders. Then rising to
its full height above the barman says “bowsy wowsy”.
A policeman is questioning
little Johnny “What is your date of birth?” he asks him, “July fifteenth.”
Johnny replies. “What year?” asks the policeman? “Every year.” Says Johnny.
“Tell me, what time did you
examine the body?” the judge asked the doctor. “ I started the autopsy at about
5.30 p.m.” the doctor replied. “ And
Mr. smith was dead at this time?” the judge asked, “No, he was sitting on the
table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”
The priest was preparing a man for his
final journey. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil!
Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said
nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The
priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought
to aggravate anybody."
A lady goes to the doctor for a check-up,
and when he has examined her from head to toe he says, “Madam, I’ve given you a
thorough examination, and I’ve come to the conclusion that you have acute angina.”
To which the lady replies, “ I didn’t come hear to be admired, but thank you
very much.”