I’m such a nervous person, when I started my
new job as a receptionist I would answer the phone and say, “hello, can you
help me?”
Two blondes walk
into a building ----------------you’d think one of them would have seen it wouldn’t
you?
“My wife said she would leave me if I didn’t
stop drinking” said bert. “oh I am sorry” replied harry “ me too,” said bert “ I’m
gonna miss her!”
Leaving the pub for the night, the drunk buys a bottle of cheap red wine and puts it in his pocket. As he was staggering down the road he trips and falls into the gutter. Picking himself up, he notices a dark red stain spreading across the pavement and raising his hands in prayer he says, “please god, let it be blood”
THE PERFECT WOMAN – Bonks all evening, and
at midnight turns into a donner kebab and a can of lager.
A prince was introduced to his favuourite
film actress and was completely captivated. Her hair was long and golden and
her eyes sparkled as she spoke, she was everything he had dreamed she would be.
He offered to get her a drink “port or sherry?” he asked “ oh sherry by all
means” she replied “ because sherry to me is like the nectar of the gods,just
looking at it gives me the anticipation of a heavenly thrill and when I experience
its fragrance I am lifted to ecstacy on the wings of joy. When I taste it my
entire body glows and I am carried to another world.” The prince was impressed
by her poetic emotion, “and anyway” she continued “Port makes me fart!”
A young man walks into the doctors surgery
and shouts “I’m having trouble with my willy”. The receptionist blushes bright
red and dashes from the room, crying. The doctor, on hearing the commotion
takes the lad to one side and says, “whats wrong with you? You don’t say things
like that to a nice young lady. You tell her you have some other problem, then
when you come in to see me you can tell me the real problem.” “oh yes I see,”
replies the lad. A couple of weeks later he is back again and he says “I’m
having trouble with my ears.” “whats the problem?” she asks “It hurts like hell
when I pee through them!” he says.
A drunk staggers into a police station with
a duck on his head “Can I help you, sir?” asks the desk seargent “Yes” replies
the duck “You can get this man off my feet”
A dog walks into the job centre, hops up
onto a chair and says to the receptionist “Oi you, have you got any jobs for
me?”. The receptionist is astounded “Gosh a talking dog” she says “Yes, I’m a
talking dog. Now what about a job?” says the dog. The receptionist thinks for a
moment and then says “If you come back in half an hour I’ll have the perfect
job for you”. The dog hops off the chair and goes out while the receptionist gets
on the phone. Half an hour later the dog is back “what about that job then?” he
asks “well” replies the receptionist “I’ve been in touch with the local circus owner
and I’ve told him all about you and he says if you go down you can start right
away, he reckons you’ll be sensational” “That’s great” says the dog “But I cant
think what he wants with a qualified plumber”
Mavis: “what does your husband do for a
living?”
Beryl: “he’s a joiner”
Mavis “oh yes, and what does he do?”
Beryl: “when he sees someone going into a
pub, he joins them.”