A boy meets a girl
in a nightclub and he asks can he walk her home. Back at her flat she asks him in
and after some heavy petting she refuses to have sex with him, saying “any man
that makes love to me must have two things… An expensive sports car and a
twelve inch willy” the boy tells her he will return and a few days’ later pulls
up in a brand new Aston Martin “ look” he says “ I have the car, and as for the
other thing, my doctor says he can cut it down to any size you want”
A beautiful girl applies at the circus for
the job as a lion tamer “we already have a lion tamer” the ringmaster says “
but I can take you on as a horse rider or a trapeze artist” “but I had my heart
set on the lion tamers job and I am very good” she replies. Just then the lion
tamer rushes in with his clothes all torn to shreds “those lions are
uncontrollable. I cannot work with them. I wont go on tonight,” he says.
Turning to the girl the ringmaster says, “If you can control those lions the
job is yours” he tells her. The girl enters the lion’s cage and begins to
undress. When she is completely naked she lies on the floor and the lions come
over and begin gently licking her body. “Astonishing!” cries the ringmaster
“Why can’t you do that?” He asks his lion tamer, “I can” he replies “If you’ll
just remove the lions”
“Mr Jones, I have looked at this case very
carefully” said the divorce court judge “and I have decided to give your wife
£250 a week” “that’s very good your honour” replies the husband “I might try
and send her a couple of quid myself now and then”
A man had a terrible sore throat and could
hardly speak so he decided to go to the doctor’s house at lunchtime even though
it was out of surgery hours. The doorbell was answered by his buxom young wife
“is the doctor in?” he whispered hoarsely “ no, he’s out till teatime” she
whispered back “come in”
A knight is going out to battle in the
crusades with king Arthur, so he calls his most trusted servant. “I am going
away and I may be gone for some time,” he tells him, “while I am gone I don’t
want my beautiful young wife to have any other man and so I have fitted her
with a chastity belt. I am giving you the key because I know I can trust you
and if the belt needed to be removed in an emergency only then must the key be
used” “Yes sire you can trust me” replies the servant “ this key will only be
used in an emergency” With these words the knight rides off happy that his wife
will remain faithful. He had only been gone five minutes when the servant rides
up to him at some speed, “what’s wrong man? I’ve only been gone five minutes”
“but sire you left the wrong key!”
Why don't blind people sky
dive?
Because it scares the hell out of their guide dogs, but at least they know when
their about to land. The lead goes slack!
Two couples go on a fortnight’s holiday
together and after the first week all are feeling a little bored. The men
decide that if they exchange partners it might spice things up a little, the
women agree so they give it a try. After the first night one man says, “I’m
glad we tried this, it was so exciting, come on lets go next door and see how
the girls got on”
Charlie starts a job on a building site and
he has to dig a hole so he picks up a spade and starts digging. When the
foreman sees him he yells, “Don’t touch that spade, Big Murphy will kill you!”
so Charlie puts the spade down and goes for a tea break. Inside the works hut
he picks up a cup to make some tea when the foreman says, “Don’t touch that
cup, Big Murphy will kill you!” by now Charlie is getting sick of this Big
Murphy so he sits down, and the foreman says “Don’t sit there, Big Murphy will
kill you!” to which Charlie asks “Who the hell is this big Murphy, and where is
he?” “He always has a lie in on a
Monday but he lives just across the road” says the foreman, pointing to a
house. Charlie storms across the road and bangs on the door, when it opens he
dashes upstairs to the first bedroom he sees. Inside he finds someone asleep;
he is six foot tall and four foot wide with bulging muscles and built like a
brick toilet. Charlie drags him from the bed and sets about thumping him, then
he drags him down the stairs, across the road and hits him with the shovel
shouting “Don’t touch the spade, Big Murphy will kill me, eh?” then he drags
him into the hut and smashes him over the head with the cup shouting “Don’t
touch that cup, Big Murphy will kill me, eh?” then he throws him into the
chair, breaking it, and shouting “Don’t touch the chair, Big Murphy will kill
me, eh?” Hearing all the commotion, the foreman enters the hut and when he sees
what’s happened he yells “DON’T TOUCH THE BABY, BIG MURPHY WILL KILL YOU!!”