A man is at his
local supermarket, taking his goods through the checkout and the checkout girl is
scanning the items “small white loaf, frozen pizza for one, small tin of beans”
the checkout reads. “Do you live by yourself, then?” the girl enquires. “Yes,
can you tell that from my groceries?” asks the man “No. You’re an ugly swine!”
She says.
“ I was talking to our window cleaner the
other day and he says he’s made love to every woman in our street except one” a
man tells his wife proudly, “that’ll be that stuck-up cow at number twelve” she
replies.
A policeman stops a motorist and points out
that one of his rear lights is not working. The man bangs the light and it
comes on. “Now if you thump the windscreen, will the tax disk pop-up?” asks the
policeman.
A man is driving his car when he comes to a
junction. He slows down, and seeing there is nothing coming he continues on his
way. A little later a policeman stops him and tells him “I’ve pulled you over
because you didn’t stop at that junction” “ I know, but I slowed down” replies
the man “yes but you didn’t stop” insists the policeman “no, but I slowed down
and that was good enough” says the man. At which point the policeman takes out
his truncheon and, repeatedly hitting the man on the head, asks “Would you like
me to stop, or slow down!”
A young office boy was just leaving work
when he sees the boss standing in front of the shredding machine with a piece
of paper in his hand. Seeing a chance to impress the boss he asks, “can I
help?” “Yes” replies the boss “this is a very important and sensitive document
and my secretary has gone home, can you get this machine to work?” he asks.
“Sure” says the young man. He switches on the machine, inserts the paper and
presses the start button. “Great” says the boss as his paper disappears into
the shredder “I just need the one copy”
Two nuns were driving down the road when
suddenly the devil drops onto the bonnet of their car, forcing them to brake
sharply. “Quick, show him your cross,” says one to the other. The driver winds
down her window, and through gritted teeth hisses “get off my bonnet NOW!”
A tramp walks up to the door of a large
mansion and rings the doorbell “pardon me sir,” he says politely “do you think
you could spare me some food for I have not eaten in days?” the owner of the
house replies “see this big house and expensive lifestyle. I got this through
hard work. I don’t give things away so if you want food you can paint my porch
at the back of the house. When you’ve finished I’ll have my cook make you a
wonderful meal.” The tramp does as he is told and then rings the doorbell again,
“finished so soon?” asks the man “good, now come in and you can have your meal”
“thank you sir. You’re very kind,” replies the tramp “but I must tell you.
That’s not a Porsche you have there but a Mercedes!”